Nostalgic regrets

i regret. i love those memories, those sweet memories. but they bring about regret. why? becoz i realised i'm not a good friend keeper. it hurts.

i regret.

i regret not taking the initiative to keep in touch with my primary school friends, especially with Jin Wen and Yan Khee. I regret losing touch with Zhimin and Xiaotian. i regret not holding tighter to my friendships with jos, cy, and janelle, missing the good old times we had. i regret not staying in closer touch with my teacher-friends. i regret not keeping close ties to PHS. i regret not coming for GB more often this year. i regret not keeping in touch with adam side folks, losing my very close friendships with cass and rina. i regret not keeping contact with kristen, and totally losing her. i regret not learning to treasure and appreciate my cell during my lower sec years in passion! min. i regret spoiling my image and 'reputation' this year. i regret being so caught up with myself, with my own 'problems' (which compared to others aint so big) that i've neglected friends. i regret not being a better SP and support and encouragement to my buzz group leader, sis pauline, and fellow SP, andrew, being as little involved as possible, last year. i regret taking a break from SOF, leaving asaph alone there to struggle by himself and with the younger ones, leaving him the responsibility of the team leader and not offering help. i regret that that decision of mine led to a drifting of friendship between me and asaph. i regret not being a better friend and help to andrew last year, especially since we've been in the same cell/section since sec 1, letting him do most of the facilitation of the buzz group, otherwise maybe we would have become better friends, and i wont have that awkward feeling i keep getting everytime we meet. i regret not spending more time with my brother, leaving him now to be addictively rotting in the cyber world. i regret being so self-centered in carrying out my own life that i did not spend time chatting with my brother nor playing with him, especially during that period when he kept asking me, just before he got into his addiction. i regret losing contact with my fun and nice 'gor', my one and only 'gor' i ever had thus far, till now we totally dun communicate at all. i regret losing a friend in samuel when he became an adult leader, letting that status get in our friendship, and like all other friendship, not holding on. i even more regret losing my cousin michelle when she became an adult leader, and the promises we made to each other when we were young that we will be best friends forever are no longer kept, and now i feel there's a big drift between us. i also regret losing the close friendships with my other cousins, joel and amos, as we grew into our teenage years. i also regret not grabbing opportunities to try new things, to get new experiences. i regret not being a better friend to the new friends i make this year. i regret not being a better support as an SP this year to my just-appointed-this-yr cell leader chloe, and the other supporting SP shermaine, especially as we all transited into Z2 leaving our old buzz group and meeting new people. i regret abandoning andrew last year, and chloe, shermaine, asaph this year. i regret being a tough nut (kinda) for my adult leader, not being there to support, letting myself be lost and out, and not sharing.

well, that's all the nostalgic regrets i can think of for now.

but i'm thankful for certain things though.

i'm thankful that my pri sch friend louann took the initiative to keep that group of us in touch, so still quite on okay, comfortable zone with her, jolene, kaili, szehan. i'm thankful that my upper sec group also still quite closed, despite my twinnie being in a different JC, and the rest of us in different classes in NY; that mich, lin,yt,wl we still hang about and still comfortable with each other. i'm thankful for my sis whom we share and chat with, whom i received a lot of encouragement and support from, who has been a great listening ear to me, although i guility feel that i'm not that good a listening ear to her though. xp sorry gal.

okay, that marks the end of nostalgic regrets for now. and i'm feeling better now. haha. dun worry. i'm NOT leaving this post with negative feelings.

instead, i feel great finally, honestly, openly getting it off my heart. and now i'm gonna happily get busy making gifts for people, so i wont have another regret of not fulfilling one of my life's goal, to bless others/be a blessing to others, and bring joy to their lives. =D oh, and to encourage them to. :)

THE END! (time to get to work~! and be a willing and happy factory worker)

xin tia (hokkien)

it means heart pain.
sigh.
3reasons.
my gift/my handicraft/all 144 of them... are ruin! very very heart pain (xin tia)
nostalgic memories brings back lots of regrets
it's nice to be wrapped in arms of love

haha. too much korean dramas for me i guess. xp maybe dee henderson too. it's so hard to feel out of love, and even more so when one darent accept love either. not tat i'm not loved. my family is cool. i have closed friends of whom i had a good laugh/teasing time with some just ytd. but i dun understand. it's something else that is desired. why?

am i dissatisfied? why? why is there a need to be dissatisfied? why do i not take the love that is reaching out for me? or maybe i really do feel incompetent underneath? maybe i do feel unworthy? i dunno. why i dunno? becoz i'm scared of the answer, so i dun wanna think about it?

shoot. where is this thing going now.. this isnt wat i plan to write. happens so often now. i live my life, day after day, thought of something, wanna blog, and BAM! when i sit on the chair in front of the screen.. i'm blank. and i re-store back everything. i hope my friend al. (a fren of my close fren) understands now what i mean by it's hard to write.

so, what the chicken wing (a favourite phrase/substitute of mine) am i doing now? *shrugs* i shall let the fingers continue typing and click publish when it's done. haha.

i'm not emo now. just thinking. and a little heart pain.

and let me confirm again, to my dear gal frens of whom we were just teasing each other ytd, that though i said i will NOT consider having a boyfriend before 18, DOESNT mean i will consider having one at 18. becoz i WONT, and i probably wont even after 18. so dun bother looking out for guys for me. 'prince charming' will never come. becoz, i'm no princess.

shoot. okay, change subj. i'm not exactly writing my thots i was just thinking out well.

okay. dee henderson.
i love her books, though it makes me xin tia also. i mean the guy and the gal always get together despite whatever obstacles that were in their way. seldom happen in reality. tat's why i say she's good. she thinks of the possibilities of what on earth can happen, even if it's a one in a million chance of it been happening, and she puts all the one in a million chance, but possible, of happening ideas inside. BINGO!
anyways, i feel like i'm Lisa - loves/relates to animals (easier to relate than wif humans sometimes), independent, enjoys solitude, find it hard to belong/fit in...
and spiritual life like Stephen's.
also a teeny weeny bit like Kate, the aspect where she's always concern/on the look out for those she love, wanting to go after her bro Stephen and pull him back from his running away, wanting to help with her loved ones' problem. prob is she dare to show it out front, and go all out. but me, i darent sometimes, esp to friends, fearing their reaction.
like Stephen, i find a need to be there for people i care about. It's not that i dont trust them. It's not that i dont think they cant handle their problems, but like Stephen, it's just a need to be there, to be able to help as much as i can, so i wont regret. Stephen's was caused by an accident/trauma when he was young, i dunno where i got mine from. but the reaction i've been getting for pple, makes it hide it and dun show it though it's still so strong in me and i'm feeling it.

the sisterhood of the travelling pants.
i find i'm kinda like Leena. like how the guy she met at Greece described her. but the difference between me and Lena is she has what i dont. Though quiet and shy, she's very pretty and attractive, and she met a guy that could bring out the inner her hidden inside. i'm different. i dont have her beauty, neither have i her beau that can bring out the inner me trapped inside.
i wish i can be like Carmen, throwing tantrum, letting my frustrations out when i have them. Beats keeping them in i think. I wish i can say out how i feel towards some people, like how she just told her dad how she felt about him over the phone. but i have no guts.
a little like tibby. i find myself a loser.

but bailey said something that makes sense, but gal, that's just so so hard.
"maybe the truth is there is a little bit of a loser in all of us. Being happy isnt having everything in your life being perfect. Maybe is about stringing together all the little things, making those count more than the bad stuffs. Maybe we just get through it, that's all we can ask for."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6XgcYi7aqc&feature=related

it's when u know me in sec sch, and know me now.. u'll get a slightly better pic.. but when u get to talk to me times when the inner me has let its guards down without me knowing, then you'll find out more.. but there's still not much you can find out.. unless u really good at observing and reading a person, unless you've really worked with me thru projs and observe me.. then you'll get a clearer pic of who i am. others often cant see thru the better part of me, wif the exception of this year, tat is usually displayed
---------------------------------------------------------
work comes first. pple comes first. i throw myself behind everything else millions of times already. it's used to it. i'm a slave driver. =)
---------------------------------------------------------
one of my principle.. one's gotta do what one's gotta do
work always first. it's the responsibility sense of me tat is one of the few tat is still working and surviving since sec sch. though studies is NEVER considered work.. so tat's another case.

how would you repond?

"If i say i like you... how would you respond?"

yes. you've seen tat on my previous post,which was my pm for 4 days.

nope. it's NOT directed to a particular person as many believed. haha. it was just a random fun question that i went around asking people, both gals and guys, receiving interesting answers.

collated answers...

GUYS:
"righto. Dunno."
"I would go like erm… okaeeee.. that’s cool. See ya later. Haha. I dunno lah. It’ll just be super awkward"
"I would be like woah. Hahahaha. Shocked dao."
"well you’ve got to wait then coz I’m gonna stay single till at least after jc/army. Studies first. "
"shocked I suppose, seeing as we hardly know each other"
"I would say thanks but no thanks. I think I can like you as a sister but nothing more."

GALS:
"Thanks, I like u too!"
"like real."
"of course. you're my dear what."
"I would tell you to get a sex operation change then come back and tell me"
"er… thanks? (: I like you too!"
"I like you too!"
"I’ll be like.. o…k…"
"sorry. I got spinach liao."
"as a sister in Christ and good friend, I’ll be flattered"
"I’ll be like.. o…k…"
"Happy, especially since we have not met up for a long time
"I love you too! :)"
"huh? -_-"
"I’d ask you if you were bisexual first. Or lesbian. Then I’d consider for about two minutes, respond with ‘okaaaaaaaaaaaay’ and then proceed to give you weird looks"
"if you like me as a friend, then I like you as a friend too!"

haha. so fun. think it was superb weird for all the guys.
the gals.. some was like.. *shudders* (are you alright?! are you les? you go after gals not guys??) - probably what they're thinking...
haha.

doing this 'survey', if you call it tat way, really see how youths of today sees things. many can only see this statement of 'i like you' as one definition... the i like you of a crush. many also felt tat when i put that pm. i was actually addressing to a guy i like. some said they wanted to reply spontaneously, but thought, better not.. thinking i was like seriously serious, and better not disturb kind. there were a few who were like.. "there's something more behind this pm.. TELL MEEE....." haha.

it just shows that youths today sees this statement 'i like you' only in one way. please.. there's other ways of looking at it too. like.. i like you as a friend? i like you as a brother/sister? i like you as a person becoz you have a great character? but surprisingly, or un-surprisingly, people tend to think in only one direction. *shrugs*

there are some though who dun think too deeply into the 'i like you', knowing tat if and when i said that to them, it means i like you as a friend. they're the ones who respond with 'i like you too!" (there's a handful of them, about 5?). they're also usually the ones who knows me for a longer time, who are closer to me, or also those happy easy-going friends of mine who wont think more into it.

haha. but i do know tat some of these responses, the gals, are joking joking ones.. playing along with me. haha.
another interesting observation. guys are more open and direct. they tell you if they dunno. they tell you if they're shocked/awkward. unlike the gals who respond very fast, and some think of creative answers too. haha. the difference btw the guys and the gals.

asked around 25 people. very fun!!! XD

for those who happen to read this and i dint asked you, and you feel like 'replying' too.. do leave a comment. a proper comment for the post.. NOT in the tagboard. haha.

enjoyable night.. how much more will i ever have...

ytd, had quite an interesting time over at my classmate clar. house... though i dun really know why i go there for... XD

haha. majority pple go there to play mahjong.. for me, since i'm invited (finally) and well, kinda curious to know what class pple do when they go out together... so tagged along.

the show august rush was nice! very! haha.. enjoyed the music, and the magic of music.. but too bad it's just a show... and this kinda talent either dun exist or hardly found, and i am definitely not one of them. =(

haha.. anyways, pizza, karaoke, mahjong, movie going on... of which i dint really participate.. tat's why i wonder why i went. it's not really becoz i was accompanying the queen, though tat's one factor to push away the fear factor of going. i mean, i go there, also dun play mahjong, also not say very comfortable with the group, since i'm not say very close to all of them, and am fine with a few of them, but not in such a big group, but rather comfortable with some of them in very small group. *shrugs* i practically went there fearing i'll have nothing to do, nothing of which i can actually blend in with, where i'll just have to be a ghost... though i felt like one initially, esp at macs.

sigh. sometimes i wonder if my lifestyle, my upbringing by my parents and myself, have become like some sort of hindrance between me and pple from becoming closer friends. tis not something that only hit me then, but it's a thought that comes quite often, every now and then... and it hurts. but i will not give up anything to change the way and lifestyle i've been living through these ages. though i often sigh sadly within, when pple around me engage in conversations about movies, songs, books, games, of which those i enjoy and are exposed to falls little in their arena of what they have watched, listened, read, played.

*shrugs* and nope, it's not so much of parental censorship.. but rather, even self-censorship.. just not interested in many genres of which many of my peers enjoy and talk about. queen voiced i was quiet, looks bored.. well, i cant engage into the conversations... there's little i can do, except think about this again. i listen in to the conversation, but it still is a world of a difference when you're listening in to a conversation, and actually be in the conversation. well, i dun blame them... i mean, it's not their fault that my interest varies greatly from them... it's just the reality of life, that pple are so different from one another. just that i happened to be the extra one, very different from everyone else, such that sometimes there aint much connection.
it's at macs where i'm reminded of rina and kristen, who so often, once a week, will fill me up with their craze over manga and anime, of which in their hands is always a Japanese book, or a sketch book... they led me into their 'world', not leaving me out of it, though i may not have their craze over Japanese stuffs, despite my interest in it, grown by their passion influence. :) miss the times whe pple share with me when i dunno rather than keep me out. XP miss those kinda friends, of which we're no longer so close anymore. sigh.

anyways, i dun regret going in the end... =)
though my arm nearly got all chewed away by clar's golden retriever. Seriously, clar really gotta have it trained. haha. had a nice time enjoying the (to me) scenic, peaceful,comforting view from the balcony. so while they were inside, i 'entertained' myself by going out to the view... haha, and slowly, one by one came to join me. XD okay, admittedly, i prefer the peace and stillness the balcony seems to bring, when there's just me, or a few of us, like 2-3? and not the 'noisier' ones.. XP haha

talked a little, or maybe slightly more than a little to HY. haha. i've been reminded of my spiritual position, and the matter of dealing with it. it's true. it's not that i dun know what to do. it's just that i dun exactly know how to get it started, and i just dun seem/dare to take the first step.. becoz the first step is going to be a very big step, and a bitter one. once that first step is taken, everything should come in much easier. this matter must be dealt with. and soon, for the bondages to be broken. few may understand what i'm saying, becoz not all know about spiritual struggles. it's like how today i was walking and thought of this: "i have questions. i can answer my questions. but i dunno what to do with my answers"

well, so glad for the enjoying of the night at the balcony yesterday, the chats and the fellowship with my classmates.


i have been praying for you my dear friends, i am still praying for you, and i will still be praying for you, whether i'm in spore or not, whether it's you who is flying or not. keeping you in prayer.

dear friend(s), if only you know how much I really care about you and wish to be your friend, to be there for you and help you, to just be your friend. But I dare not ask, I dare not probe. Becoz I know you don't see me as I see you. Yet I understand, becoz not everyone were meant for each other (in terms of friendships, I'm not yet going beyond that).
I shall remain in the distance and hope that others around you, the friends you already have will be true friends for you, to you. I guess I shouldn't try so hard, or so it seems, to be like a superman-friend, wanting to be a friend (not just in name, but really a friend) to so many people. After all, I doubt I'll make the best friend ever. Though I do make somewhat a good friend (one shall not live too much in self-denial), if not I won't even have a single friend. XP
well dear friend(s), I'll leave you to your situations, to your life, to your problems and challenges. All I can and probably will just do is to pray for you and wish you joy, peace, and all the best.

Learning to let go of friends ain't easy, but I guess sometimes I have to.

Please do not get me wrong. I'm NOT saying it's your fault or anything. Nope. This is just the way things are. Some people make good friends to and for each other, others are meant to just be acquaintances, and more others just mere strangers. =)

--Fern--

12:15am 4thSep08

nopes. i'm not feeling emo, seriously! =) it's just writing out some thoughts out, which are portrayed out very well by my dear fren Fern, yet again (it's just such a wonder how we're so close to feel the same way about such similiar situations). and yes, i do have such thoughts, which people thinks is unusual coming from me, immediately thinking i am emo, which is not always true, and this round i'm Not emo-ing. (that actually shows how little people really know me becoz i hide myself so well) :)

anyways, just becoz i dun post happy/happier posts DOES NOT mean i'm 24-7 down and unhappy. nah. just been too busy to really do much blogging. truth is lots of happier posts are longer, want to post, but havent really found/made the time. yups. so who knows, when i'm free, i shall suddenly spam put all these overdue posts! XD

unhappy posts on the other hand, when you're unhappy you just cant really do anything else, so you let it go through writing.

REFLECTIVE posts also comes out easier than 'happy' posts becoz you just gotta spill/write/blurt it out somewhere before you can continue 'peacefully' to do other stuffs.

tata and good night... school studying tmr again + tuition... sianz of studying liao...
ZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz.........................

钱不够用2 add-on: 《无怨无悔的爱》

晚餐之后，我指着桌上的剩菜，对主人客气的说：“您准备的太丰盛了，剩下这些，多可惜！”
岂知主人才六，七岁的小孩竟毫不考虑的大了腔：“不可惜，奶奶吃的！”
“我婆婆等下会出来吃！”女主人说。看见我十分惊讶，又解释：“她不喜欢一起吃，叫她吃好的，她还不高兴，只有剩下的，她才吃，而且吃得开心！”
现在我坐在桌前写这篇东西，想到今晚的画面，林不住流下泪来，我要在一次问：为什么？只因为老人家“自愿”，“高兴”，我们就任她咎由自取吗？
相信不少人读过我《爱吃鱼头》那篇文章。老人家临终时，几个朋友烧了她最爱吃的鱼头去。却听到老人瞒了十几年的秘密:
“鱼头虽然好吃，我也吃了半辈子，却从来没有真正爱吃过，只因为家里环境不好，丈夫孩子都爱吃鱼肉，只好装作爱吃鱼头。我这一辈子，只盼望能吃鱼身上的肉，哪曾真爱吃鱼头啊！”
这是千真万确的事。故事中的老人家有幸在临终时说出心里的话，问题是这世上有多少为家庭牺牲的父母，尊长，就在晚辈们一句“她自己喜欢”的漠视下，慢慢凋零了！
问题时，父母不能甘旨无缺，安享天年，这有难道不是子女的耻辱吗？
过去穷，我们没话讲！
今天富，我们该多么庆幸！？可是在我们庆幸的时候，是否该想想自己有没有真尽孝，抑或又是创造了一种假象！？
当我为老母夹菜，她总是拒绝，说不要吃，我就把筷子停在空中，直到夹不稳而要掉在桌上，她才不得不把碗伸过来。
问题时，她哪次不是高兴得吃完呢？
相反的，当菜做咸了，大家不能吃，她却抢着夹，我只好用筷子压住她的筷子，以强制的方式，不准她吃，因为血压高的人，最不能吃咸！
“瞧！有这样的儿子，不准老娘夹菜！”她对着一家人“高兴得”抱怨。
我认为，当我们小时候，长辈常用强制的方式对待我们，叫我们一定吃什么，有一定不准吃什么！他们这样做，是因为爱护我们！
而在他们老年，成为需要照顾的“老小孩儿”时，我们则要反过来模仿他们以前的做法。。。
用强力的爱！
这不是强迫，而是看穿老人家装出来的客气，坚持希望他们接受晚辈的孝敬！
如此，当有一天他们逝去，我们才可以减少许多遗憾！因为我们为天地创造了一种公平回馈，以及---
无怨，无悔的爱！
(篇章节自刘墉散文《无怨无悔的爱》)

came across this passage yesterday, whilst doing my tuition homework, coincidentally very very related to my 钱不够用2 'reflection'.
Seriously, how are we treating our elderly loved ones nowadays? do we realise their misery, their holdbacks, their love for us? do we realise the sacrifices they made and their true feelings inside? or do we assume that they are old, they are not so alert, they are not so sensitive, and thus we desensitise ourselves to such situations? how much do we really love them back? Remember, without them, there aint us. They sacrificed that we may survive...

钱不够用2

just watched 钱不够用2 with siblings, at 4pm.

storyline was simple, but Jack Neo was yet again able to bring out the learning point, bringing the facts and reality of our own selfish, miserable, unappreciative life, take it and smack it right onto your face.

seeing the children treating their elderly mother with little respect when times were hard for them, when it gets more and more tiresome and trying to take care of her, due to conditions you get when you are old... i felt a pull in my heart.

as i tear-ed, i asked God... "Will i become like that when i grow up too? Non-chalant and insensitive? Am i already like that to my own grandma at home? not really caring about her wellbeing at heart, not caring at all? Will the world around me change me into a cold person? Will i treat and disregard my loved ones this way next time?"

Today seems to be a bit of personal reflection of what i have done to help others, to be there for others, to help others tide through life's crisis and troubles. What have i really done as a friend, a family member? and i realised... nothing. Friends whom i have known for at least a year till many years back... seems like i've stopped doing anything for you all, and am currently not being a friend there for you. For the more recently made friends this year, somehow no matter how close we are (based on the different individuals) i still find that there is some kinda barrier between us, and i cant seem to be that friend when you're looking for one when in need. I cant seem to be able to contribute to your world, and make your world a slightly better place to live in. And i'm letting go of the older friends, getting less and less involved in their lives, contact decreasing, and friendship fading slowly and unknowingly.

What happened to the once goals i had? "To encourage and help those around me", "Feel a Need, Meet a Need", "Be a friend to people", "help people tide through life's problems and situations, just as i have (or not) been helped", "to be a pillar of support and a listening ear to those in need of one"...
and what have i really done? what have i really accomplished?
seemingly... NOTHING.

ends up with me questioning myself... do i really care? do i really love them as i truly believe i have and am? or am i lying to myself? is this helping of others an asssurance for myself or that i'm truly concern for them? i'm not sure any longer. some people thinks i'm too kaypo. some people thinks i'm not worthy/dun have the rights to worry for people. but it seems i cant help it. and i think/have always thought it's becoz i love those around me... but do i really and have i really been loving them?

then why am i not doing anything much for them? then why am i not putting in that extra effort to help them? especially when i know i am and they are surrounded by this dark world, full of problems, irritating situations, troubles... and that people, many or even every individuals, especially my peers, are struggling with these alone, and that is not easy nor pleasant. and i have a desire to help them get out of such struggles, which i myself have experienced myself, struggling desperately in situations, thus wanting to help others who like myself needs a listening ear, needs encouragement, needs support when storms like this comes.

but what have i really done? what can i really do?

dun get me wrong. i'm not blurting all these out becoz i feel emo or what, which is the normal perception. this is just a simple reflective piece of my heart+mind. and dun worry (if you do), i'm not currently feeling emo. just pangs of regret and i guess maybe a tinge of sadness, knowing that i've been so useless to people around me...

Friends

interesting experience today. it just affirm something i've said a lot of times, but not many heard it... "When a door of the heart has been shut, it is very hard to open it again." today, it's been clear in my heart tat a longtime friendship had really faded away with time, that we are no longer that close and can never be that close as we used to be. well, i guess you can say it's my fault. i've long sensed it slipping off, but i never really did anything to savage it before it 'unconsciously' slip off totally. Am i asking too much in friendships? i dun feel that way, but am i being too concerned for others such tat it's sending the wrong message?? do i really care what people think about me, what people think about my actions and words and feelings? i keep saying that i dont. but it suddenly just dawned upon me. if i dont care about what others say, then why do i care so much about friends, and whether i am a friend to them, and how they see me as a friend... i seriously do not know what am i thinking!!

"Friends Forever"... can this really exist? i so want to wish it so, but somehow it seemed to be some far off fantasy that can be dreamed upon but it's out of reality. it really takes efforts on both side, and a desire on both sides to want to really maintain and develop the friendship through time, through life. i may be willing, but i also do not really know what the other side is really thinking/feeling. saying is one thing, heart language is the other, for lip-service will get you no where.

well, friends dun owe each other anything. what rules can we actually put on friendships? everybody has their own life, their own joys, their own families, their own other social groups, their own uniqueness, so what can we expect of them?? nothing?

just relying on myself brings me to ask... then what are friends for? why are there so many people in this world? if our lives are not related/link to each other... then why are we living in communities? isnt it just enough to just have one man. no other people?

geez. hate blogging late becoz my thots come out like JUNK!!! oh well. shall stop writing. the more i write, the more weird the post seems to be coming along. and whatever i want to be typed out vanishes. okay... i admit lose. i totally cant think. i wanted to say something to end this post, but i cant even remember.. so forget it! good nite. sweet dreams.

at least tmr going badminton. so can play like siao, whack like siao, let all my emotions fly with the shuttles.

Finally, it has stopped raining

It's been long since i've last stepped here, coz of last week's mid year exams, and previous week, finally stopped myself and started studying.

These while lots of things have been happening, but i shallnt write them all down. Somehow this week dont feel so lost and drunk as compared to the first 3 weeks of holidays and before that. hmmm... so maybe studying helps. haha. oh, and finally picking up doing morning devotions again, using our daily bread, though only a very short while. I wont push, i'll go at a slow but steady pace, back to basics, and from basics, may i discover my roots in God again, and from there grow.

oh. but this sunday and the previous sunday was simply GREAT!! After 2 weekends of not being in TCC, going back to IGNYTE last week was great! somehow my spirit was open once again, and my self-consciousness has decreased much compared to the previous times of going to IGNYTE. I was able to worship God, with joy from my heart, without being distracted, but feeling the joy in my heart as i sing praises and worship God. Oh. and this two weeks, i jumped during praise and worship. It was as if the burdens of my heart has lifted, lifting off the chains that had bounded my feet to the ground. i enjoy the worship so. Praise God.

Seems like music really lifts up soul, lifts my spirit. last week, i was packing the song CDs that i have at home, and from there, started to on the CD player and listen to songs. The Authentic Worship collection - Country Worship, is really FABULOUS!!!! It chases away my bad mood, my sian mood, even help me to prep me for studying. Well, so last sunday, i was listening to country music while i travelled to church, and during the break between cell and service, i was also listening to songs, and somehow, church was great! that day, which for me personally, so long havent like that liao. Then today, i brought my baby guitar and before cell, was playing the guitar, worshipping God.

Guess there's some kind of power in music. I think music when it was created in this world, somehow maybe there's a link with our spirit. I was reading a newspaper article last month. The writer was writing about why people nowadays like to listen to sad songs. Sad people listen to sad songs, and get sadder, more depressed. Happy people listen to sad songs, and the next minute, they lose the happiness. The writer couldnt understand why people like listening to sad songs. I understand why, well, sort of. When one is down, somehow we'll turn to sad songs, because our mood allow us to identify closely with the mood of the song. However, like the writer said, we actually get moodier after that.

Well, so songs may really have something to do with our spirit. It influences our spirit; it affects our spirit. So, maybe everyone should listen to more joyful/uplifting music, and perhaps the world will change to be a happier place to live in, where you walk down the streets, you'll see more smiles than frowns. We should avoid music that talks about suicide, murder, anger, hatred, rebellion, drugs, sex, alcohol... becoz though we may say and believe that we are strong enough to repel and not get influenced. But things in the spiritual realm is not to play with, becoz it's a sector of our life that we can NEVER control.

Music. No wonder the society has changed so much as the types of songs available, the genre of songs, the culture of songs, have changed so much in the recent years. Music. Now, i understand. Especially if really, music is somewhat connected to our spirit. Music, yes music.
It is said that Satan, before his downfall, was one of the angels in heaven, and he was the angel of music. Thus, even after his downfall, being so specialised in the music arena, being a professional here, he uses it to his advantage - to teach young kids, and sometimes maybe even the youths and adults, wrong moral values; to make them more depressed, sad, and anything but happy; to influence their midsets; to teach them to rebel against their parents and other authorities; to teach them to love sin and despise kindness and goodness as weaknesses; to see un-marital sex as acceptable and the 'in'/common/normal thing to do; to tell people that violence is the only way, and there's no wrong to it... Music. Lucifer's tool. No wonder.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Music, worship music, worshipping Yahweh Jehovah, has chased away the rain clouds. Finally it has stopped raining, even if it's just for a while. The rain has stopped. I'm not alone in the rain. The sky is blue, though the smell of rain/the stench of a storm is still around.

One worries of misunderstanding

"The world is so 'sensitive' that whatever one does, one worries of misunderstanding."

This is something that has been on my mind since friday. It's not something new, but it's sort of like a reminder. Lots of things have going on. spiritually, physically, mentally, emotionally. i want to do something about it, but i'm also weighed down by myself & my problems (which is so little as compared to what others are facing in their lives now).

back to the thot.
Our society nowadays (referring to Singapore, though it's also probably happening in various countries' societies), well, tends to judge people a lot. we tend to judge pple, put a name to them, and thus act a certain way towards them, even before really knowing that person. i have seen so many of such cases, more so this year.i myself may be guilty of that crime too, though i very so want to believe not.

i think i dun really judge people. but, as part of human nature, i have impressions of people. may be good or bad. (well, i cant prevent that, right? it's something that happens mentally in your subconscious mind, and it's not something you can control. but you can still control your reaction/response to the impressions you have.) first impressions for me usually really last long, becoz i tend to be able to evaluate people from their looks, to the short encounter i have with them on the first 'meeting'. and usually i'm quite accurate in my evaluation. it's like this 6th sense that i have.

anyway, i sidetracked. where was i?
oh ya. people tend to judge each other so easily nowadays. we are so suspicious of the other's motives, that we doubt and silently question everything the person says or does. we wonder whether there are any hidden motives and thus, sometimes we are so conscious of this fact, that it's so hard to be real. Whatever i say, whatever i do, i'll consider how the person might think.

Being nice can also bring misunderstanding. The recent inccident of a fren of mine, as well as the knowledge of this 'truth', reminded me that sometimes people may think you are TOO NICE. okay, maybe i understand the reason why. sometimes people are overally nice so that people will like them, so that they will have more friends, so they can give a good impression, etc. But do we really have to judge everyone so strictly, be suspicious of everyone? yes, indeed the society now, the world now is so scary, that you can never really trust anyone fully, anything can happen.

There are stories of father raping daughter, someone killing the good friend (Filipino maid incident), drinks being spiked by friends, etc. It's not surprising that society nowadays just cant be trusted, even your best friend, for anything can happen. But what kind of society will we really have if there is no trust at all? If we are so wary of people that hinders our actions, and we dont trust each other... well, i just cant imagine what it will be like, except that we will never feel safe and secure.

I say that yes, it's good to be aware of this fact that the world is dangerous, and we should be on our guard. But let this not affect our actions, let this not affect our friendships unneccessarily.

geez. now i dun even know what am i talking about. i may even be contradicting myself. oh well. i just wish that time can rewind back to the times where people can trust each other, when the young us could accept friendships without keep thinking whether there are any ulterior motives. Where our actions and words are not so judged.

sigh... even now, i am starting to question myself. at times i worry that people might misunderstand me and my intentions. all i want is to be a friend. for i've been through hard times myself, where being a introvert at heart, being a conservative person, been a person who struggles to share with people, i just keep all my problems to myself and 'die within myself'... but no one knows.

thus i know how hard, how difficult it is struggling alone. wanting people's help yet not willing to really seek and ask for help. maybe it's egoism on my part. i dunno. but i thank God. i thank God that He still sent people along my path to help me, people to encourage me, people to help me wake up to my senses. So i really wish to help my friends around me. The world is in need of real love (not the world's false definition/understanding of love) and encouragement. But we tend to be so selfward looking, so self-conscious that we fail to see the needs of others, that we fail to encourage others.

All i wish to be is a friend, who is there for people. A friend who encourages people. A friend who is there to help people through the difficult times in their lives. A friend to share your joy, as well as your sorrow. A friend who will be your listening ear when you want to. A friend whom you may confide in, whom you may share with.

do i have other motives? can it be that my reason of being such a friend is so simple? so innocent? so naive? i feel that there are people who doubt me. it breaks my heart. no point defending myself. well, i'll just be who i am, or who i think i am. though it's hard at times when i'm worried of misunderstanding. can i still stand for what i believe in, though the pressures of the world makes me wanna just isolate myself? But how can i when people are in need of friends? my heart just dun allow me to. why does misunderstanding exist? :)