Rach, waiting for someone to wake you up may just take eternity... so are you just gonna waste there, doing nothing till someone comes and give a hard verbal slap to wake you up?? Yes rach, last year God did send people to do that. But you can't expect everything to happen exactly the same way again. Like Aslan said in The Chronicles of Narnia, nothing every happens the same way twice. You really really should not be limiting God through your narrow mindset and expectations of Him and His ways.
Listen to what your bro and sis in Christ were telling you last night. I believe God was using them to talk to you, since you tuned off God's channel, since you're hiding from God, making it hard for Him to talk to you. Stop doubting in yourself, just surrender and trust God girl!
Stop lying to yourself too. You say you don't feel the urge to search. Rather, you're actually searching for God, searching for your identity. You're trying to rediscover and 're-find' yourself. All your other friends don't know you as well as I do, rach. So stop lying to yourself. Stop giving in to the devil's lies. You know the lies are from the devil, then STOP believing and agreeing with him! WAKE UP!!!!!! You've been avoiding the issue for FAR TOO LONG!!!
Let me give you a scenario to describe how you're like now. You're in a quicksand. You're struggling. And like how quicksands are, the more you struggle, the deeper you sink, the more you're stuck. (you're very very familiar with this scenario, since you're the one who see yourself that way in the beginning of the year.. let me add a few more stuffs though). BUT, what you should be doing though, is not to struggle. Rather, stop and call for help. You know Jesus is just standing next to that quicksand. He wants to help you, but you've been rejecting Him, saying you can do it by yourself, trying to be independent of Him, and all you do is struggle to get out, resulting in just sinking in all the more. If you keep struggling, even if He's pulling you out, you'll just keep sinking. So gal, just call out to Him for help. He wants to help you. Call out to Him, and trust Him and i really mean it, totally let Him get you out. Don't try to help Him. Your efforts are struggles that will just sink you deeper. Trust Him.
Since no one is gonna give you the wake up call, I shall. Your brother aN. is right. You really should get out of this rut you're in, this quicksand you're in. You admitted last night to sis G. you're being foolish. Then like aN. said, are you just gonna sit around and do nothing? How is things going to change for you, rach?
You know you're acting foolishly, but ain't doing anything.
You find yourself losing firm traits of yours, but you ain't doing anything to stop yourself from losing your strong traits.
You know the enemy is attacking you with lots of lies, but you don't do anything except listen and accept them.
You foolish girl, wake up!!!
You're tired. So why are you still running and hiding? Have a fugitive every had a good rest? Instead, it's time you really reflect with an open mind and heart, and tune in back to God. Put aside all those disappointments, doubts, fears, guilt, shame you feel that seperates you from God. aN. is right. You know who God has said He is. You know that His mercy endures forever. No matter where you go, or how you feel, he doesn't change, and never will. Is it that hard for you to accept grace? Yes, you may feel unworthy of God's love and forgiveness. But that's grace. Accept it. Stop rejecting it.
You realised that one of your strengths in the past is perseverance, firm spirit, never giving up nor giving in. Then why are you doing it now? Seriously, think about it. You despair over your loss of it. What else do you do? You do not want to lose this trait, but you're giving it directly straight up to the devil, letting him win and triumph over you. Remember what sis G. said last night. Fill yourself with God's truth (also meaning don't let Satan's lies penetrate). Don't play with your thoughts. Keep trying till revelation change you. Persevere. Don't give up. You slip back, never mind.. rise up again.
Sitting there, resigning to the devil's hands, giving up... where has it gotten you? Has it make you life better? Has it held on to the strong traits you have? It's really time to get up and do something rach. I mean it.
Sunday, you really started running and hiding, more than ever. Where has it gotten you through the entire week? Flaring up easily, being short tempered, being easily put down by lies of the enemy, getting emotional easily, several occassions feeing down and out, regrets, inner hatred for yourself... You know this is a spiritual warfare. Do you then let youself get tossed about by the devil? You let him surround you with secular song, blocking out God's voice, blocking out christian music that sometimes serve as good reminders, and are another way God may speak... still... what did you do?
It's time to pick yourself up and go home. Stop running. Stop hiding.
Stop running away and hiding, like a COWARD! You know that the right path is that straight but narrow path, which WILL BE difficult. You know where the easy path leads to; a reminder - running away and hiding is an 'easy way out', but nothing will be solved.
Return home in full humility and repentance. Push aside your pride. I know that is one of your greatest hindrance at the moment. Surrender. Fall back into Jesus' assuring, strong arms that will embrace you and never let you go again.
It keeps raining without Him. Stop being so drenched in that rain. Go back home to the Father. He's waiting for you. Rach, you know very well that you will never be complete away from Him. So why is that decision so difficult? Home is where you belong. Not dying in the streets. Don't give up, but give in to God.
God loves you, and He'll NEVER give up on you. Never ever forget that, rach. Hold on to Him. I'm leaving you into His hands. Like sis G. says: "remember it's your life... make good godly choices. You hold the key. NO ONE can open your hear. YOU make the choice and decide for yourself."
In His love and mine,
Fern.
