Nostalgic regrets

i regret. i love those memories, those sweet memories. but they bring about regret. why? becoz i realised i'm not a good friend keeper. it hurts.

i regret.

i regret not taking the initiative to keep in touch with my primary school friends, especially with Jin Wen and Yan Khee. I regret losing touch with Zhimin and Xiaotian. i regret not holding tighter to my friendships with jos, cy, and janelle, missing the good old times we had. i regret not staying in closer touch with my teacher-friends. i regret not keeping close ties to PHS. i regret not coming for GB more often this year. i regret not keeping in touch with adam side folks, losing my very close friendships with cass and rina. i regret not keeping contact with kristen, and totally losing her. i regret not learning to treasure and appreciate my cell during my lower sec years in passion! min. i regret spoiling my image and 'reputation' this year. i regret being so caught up with myself, with my own 'problems' (which compared to others aint so big) that i've neglected friends. i regret not being a better SP and support and encouragement to my buzz group leader, sis pauline, and fellow SP, andrew, being as little involved as possible, last year. i regret taking a break from SOF, leaving asaph alone there to struggle by himself and with the younger ones, leaving him the responsibility of the team leader and not offering help. i regret that that decision of mine led to a drifting of friendship between me and asaph. i regret not being a better friend and help to andrew last year, especially since we've been in the same cell/section since sec 1, letting him do most of the facilitation of the buzz group, otherwise maybe we would have become better friends, and i wont have that awkward feeling i keep getting everytime we meet. i regret not spending more time with my brother, leaving him now to be addictively rotting in the cyber world. i regret being so self-centered in carrying out my own life that i did not spend time chatting with my brother nor playing with him, especially during that period when he kept asking me, just before he got into his addiction. i regret losing contact with my fun and nice 'gor', my one and only 'gor' i ever had thus far, till now we totally dun communicate at all. i regret losing a friend in samuel when he became an adult leader, letting that status get in our friendship, and like all other friendship, not holding on. i even more regret losing my cousin michelle when she became an adult leader, and the promises we made to each other when we were young that we will be best friends forever are no longer kept, and now i feel there's a big drift between us. i also regret losing the close friendships with my other cousins, joel and amos, as we grew into our teenage years. i also regret not grabbing opportunities to try new things, to get new experiences. i regret not being a better friend to the new friends i make this year. i regret not being a better support as an SP this year to my just-appointed-this-yr cell leader chloe, and the other supporting SP shermaine, especially as we all transited into Z2 leaving our old buzz group and meeting new people. i regret abandoning andrew last year, and chloe, shermaine, asaph this year. i regret being a tough nut (kinda) for my adult leader, not being there to support, letting myself be lost and out, and not sharing.

well, that's all the nostalgic regrets i can think of for now.

but i'm thankful for certain things though.

i'm thankful that my pri sch friend louann took the initiative to keep that group of us in touch, so still quite on okay, comfortable zone with her, jolene, kaili, szehan. i'm thankful that my upper sec group also still quite closed, despite my twinnie being in a different JC, and the rest of us in different classes in NY; that mich, lin,yt,wl we still hang about and still comfortable with each other. i'm thankful for my sis whom we share and chat with, whom i received a lot of encouragement and support from, who has been a great listening ear to me, although i guility feel that i'm not that good a listening ear to her though. xp sorry gal.

okay, that marks the end of nostalgic regrets for now. and i'm feeling better now. haha. dun worry. i'm NOT leaving this post with negative feelings.

instead, i feel great finally, honestly, openly getting it off my heart. and now i'm gonna happily get busy making gifts for people, so i wont have another regret of not fulfilling one of my life's goal, to bless others/be a blessing to others, and bring joy to their lives. =D oh, and to encourage them to. :)

THE END! (time to get to work~! and be a willing and happy factory worker)

sKyLiGhT

phew. last night's skylight party was tiring for me. not physically, like the skilight comm, but emotionally. Going about making new friends, meeting lotsa new people, talking with strangers... well, not really my thing. But yet, i could not just sit there and not go talk with the new frens, esp if they're by themselves, esp if those who brought them are the busy busy comm pple.

Guess that's why God has prepared me to step out of my comfort zone during this kinda situation. Now i understand the 'training' i got by Him putting church frens starting with Bro. Terence and Jean in sec 1 to break me out of my ice, and also through SOF, to teach me how to open up and talk to new people.

Still, i prefer a small group of close friends. That's my more comfortable zone. :D and it usually seems to come better in groups of 4-5, which is the group size i usually hang out in. Be it my pri school group, various sec sch group, or jc group like the night out at the playground.hahah.

anyways, ytd one of the new frens brought back much memories, and regrets. He reminded me a lot of a gor i once had, but was only a short time, and after that, we never talked to each other anymore, just cut off like that. and somehow that guy, even how he behaved, had some similiarities with that once-upon-a-time gor i had. the one and only gor i had. nostalgic regrets. they get at me at times, like just on tuesday, i had them when i passed by my 3rd home, when i took the bus back, just as i have done for four familiar yet quickly passed years of my life. nostalgic regrets. they do get at me at times. and maybe, it's time i throw them out here. maybe it'll help me...

looking at photos today, brings back nice memories.. it also gives a nostalgic feeling. friends.
i'm tempted.. but NO!! i shall NOT go emotional about it AGAIN! i love the memories, even though friendships may not be the way it is now, but still, there were lovely memories. devil, stop tempting me to get down and emotional!!

i love my section!!!

was looking at my section photo, the one we took at changi airport... i realised that actually, i really love my section, for the various individuals who are so nice, fun, and supportive, even those who i dun even know personally. With them, i dun have to really worry about frienship problems, motives, etc. With them, i think i relax a bit more than with other 'friends' sometimes. Just sad, that i'm not really close to them. sigh. but i don't regret going for the section outing on sat, though i admit i was a little afraid that i might end up so.
why do i only appreciate things when it's getting real late, and things arent gonna remain the same anymore. i'll miss the graduating pple. i wish i had actually gotten to know you all even better rather than spend so much time this year being so self-absorbed.you pple probably wont know this, especially since you all probably also dun know this place exist. but i really really wanna say

I LOVE MY SECTION!!! and i'll

REALLY REALLY MISS YOU GRADUATING PEOPLE!!!

take care, and God bless.

Connected!

Opened my heart today during service. I refused to listen to the lies of the devil. I refused to evaluate my actions and my heart, whether this is just gonna be a one-time feeling, 'commitment'; whether it's just lip-service, blah blah. I just sang. I just worshipped, open my heart and just be frank to God.

Indeed, in God, there is freedom. Freedom from bondages, freedom from guilt, freedom from shame, freedom from sin, freedom from life's burdens... true freedom that no one else can ever offer, as no one else has it. I'm gonna start searching and pursuing this freedom. I shall not wait and wait in the chains that I have. I shall seek the key to my freedom - Jesus!

I'm gonna start searching the Lord, and I'm gonna find Him. becoz i know He's there waiting for me just to return home, to return to his side. I cant do this alone. I will need God's help, and i'm gonna start learning how to surrender to him instead of rather trusting myself and try to handle situations by myself, which leads me to the valley which i'm in right now. i shall stop struggling in the quicksand, and let my Lord pull me out.

That is more or less what spoke to me during praise and worship.

And by God's beautiful timing, today's message was about CONNECTED aka the Family of God. I feel (i think) God reminding me that I have been trying to be quite a solo christian, not on the surface, but deep down, refusing to share with people, refusing to really open up, even when i'm in desperate need of help; even when i wanted to, i held back.

Moreover, the family of God IS IMPORTANT!! and i know that personally myself, experiencing such a strong reminder just these 3-4 days. A bro and a sis especially have been helping me so much. I'm real thankful for that. i was allowing myself to drift way off, giving in to the fears, doubts, the enemy's lies... but God used them to give me reminders, to give me small wake up calls, to encourage me, to hang on to me so that i will not keep drifting. They held on. They prayed. I know there are other people, like my mom, praying for me too. They helped. They held. Becoz whatever is going on in the spiritual world, also happens down here.

Also, i'm feeling a slight tugging, actually it's more like a thought (which i'm thinking maybe it's God's gentle calling), to go back to the ministry, to go back and serve. No, not the SP status calling, but into the ministry, back to SOF, where although i have physically left since june/july, my heart has never left there, and i've always been looking out for my SOF pple, and often feeling proud of them. Maybe, it's time to go back. But i shall not rush this... my life's not back in place yet, and not even halfway there. there's still issues to settle, issues of which i have not yet meditate and dig it out, issues which i have not yet taken time to do uncover, due to fear. xp

but probably by next year... bros and sis reading this, keep praying for me. it WILL NOT be an easy road.

Every time i edging slowly back, a few days later, the enemy manage to get me to fall even lower than before, causing me to be disheartened, and i pray this will not end up such a case again. This is spiritual warfare, and if ever i need the help of my fellow comrades, it is now! It is this season of time.

happened to randomly come across this song, and was listening to it while i'm typing this post. and it SO HAPPENED to fit this season i'm currently in. http://www.verticalmusic.com/audio/05%20Living%20Rain.mp3

shall jot down this day to remember in days, weeks, months, years to come.

started this morning doing TAWG in a different way than my usual 15min-instant devotion. I started listening to gospel music and let it speak to me. wasnt intentional, just wanted to rid my mind of secular music just before i pick up 'Our Daily Bread', heard "This is My Desire" and my spirit sang with it, and somehow i just ended up sitting on my bed listening to 15-20min of gospel songs, where i slowly become more in tuned to God, making my TAWG today more enjoyable than my touch-and-go, 10-15min devotion.

Somehow dint read from 'Our Daily Bread' as usual. Rather, randomly opened the book at Psalm, and twice, I'm back at Psalm 103. Read it. It was a good reminder. Composed a simple song from the verses that spoke to me.

Bless the Lord O My Soul

Bless the Lord O My Soul, Bless the Lord

Let all that's within me bless His name

Bless the Lord O My Soul, Bless the Lord
Let all that's within me bless His name

My soul, do not forget, His benefits

Who forgives all your iniquities

Who redeems your life from destruction

Who crowns you with loving kindness and tender mercies

The Lord is merciful and gracious

Slow to anger, and abounding in mercy

As far as the east is from the west

So far has He removed our transgressions from us

Bless the Lord O My Soul, Bless the Lord
Let all that's within me bless His name

Bless the Lord O My Soul, Bless the Lord
Let all that's within me bless His name

Would have loved to extend the time even further, although i already extended by extra 15min, but gotta go meet pri sch mates for brunch.

1 fried carrot cake, 4 person shared, while waiting for the 5th person to come. haha. in the end, this 4 of us shared 1 plate fried carrot cake & 8 ju kueh, plus iced milo each except for 1 who went for plain hot water... in total for brunch. the 5th one bought a plate of fried carrot cake for herself. haha. i like this pic. quite nice. =)

then afternoon talking quite with fern.

evening.. went down to Changi Airport for section gathering (church, zone 2, gals cum guys). Glad the first person i met isnt someone who's not so familiar, which happened to be Andrew and then met Chloe not too long later.

Then very very fun!! Brought chloe go see the woodblock print, got her, and some others in the section excited. In the end, i end up being excited and seeing some creative strangers at work, felt motivated.... and TADA!!!

My masterpiece of which i'm proud of.

My section, all squeezed into that BIG lift in Terminal 3!! erm.. all i think 22 of us. yup yup.

had a great time wif them, quite. in the beginning worried i might go into one of those 'modes' again. but i guess bringing taboo was a good idea. It was the main ice-breaker for me, helping me break out solo-ist mode, which i nearly fell into. But i guess i shouldnt had worried. With this group, it's kinda hard. XD

sigh. but tonight also brings back lots of memories. Whether it's the woodblock print, whether it was popeye where we ate, whether it was the viewing gallery at T3, and lots of other factors i shall not mention as not to give myself away... It brought back quite a number of nice but nostalgic memories, memories of friendships i'll miss, memories of good times i will dearly miss. It especially reminded me of a particular someone. But sometimes keeping friends is not only for us to decide. There's a limit of the effort we can put into friendships i guess.I'll miss that friend, and i have a bad feeling that T3 will keep reminding me of that friend of mine. oh well, the airport there's the arrival hall and the departure hall. In life, there's the arrival of people into your life, and the departure of others. :)

NEW HOBBY!!! old PALS GET-TOGETHER!!!

Whew. what an eventful day today. start off early meeting couz, Yuy. at Outram at 11am, to buy materials needed for BRACELETS!!! yeah! a hobby which i've been wanting to have sience she taught us way back when i was still in pri school.

haha. we had a great time of fellowship and fun, shopping for beads/accessories/tools needed, of which i'm quite sure she spent about $50 to start us of, of which she strongly insist, refusing us to pay for them ourselves, and dun let us treat her lunch either... and learning how to make, and making a bracelet and a ring for ourselves - Me and my sis.

My Creation:

Yuy. (couz.) made for me

My sis & I... success!!!


then i rushed down to CHOMP CHOMP!! AGAIN!! haha. for DINNER!!!! with my pri school friends (lou,jol,kl,sh). we had a good time. different atmosphere from ytd's dinner. maybe also becoz ytd i was quite tired, and still not really feeling well & recovered yet, and although i was quite okay lah, comefortable with the group ytd, i'm much closer to today's group, so had a more fun and yummy, enjoyable dinner!

we bought stingray, rojak, chicken wings, carrot cake, satay, popiah, and we shared them, rounding off with ice kachang (which i dint eat becoz i got sugar cane liao) and jol,sh bought McFlurry. YUM! YUM! haha.

Well, had a very very fruitful day together, having fellowship with 2 great group - family & pri sch friends; learnt how to make bracelet, a hobby i long wanted to have.

Hope to see you people + m.earn next week. Cya!

7Nov - a date to remember...

YEah!!!!!!!!!!!! OP is over! PW is over!! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee....
the hard work has paid off. we've survived the final lap.

really thank God. felt so much better today. can feel i'm on my way to recovery. however, this morning my voice sounded very weird. PRAISE GOD!! My voice was okay during the entire OP, though after that voice sounded weird again. haha. Praise God for His peace and strength. yea!

FINALLY! had PW group photo and lunch together, including TAO! haha. too bad he cant join us for dinner at chomp chomp. i first time eat there. then later, me, sok, queen, ed went to park and playground and rewind........ back to childhood days.. haha. we like small kids playing in the playground.. but we had a BLAST OF A TIME!!!!!!!!! Wheeeeeeeeeeee...... hahahahahaha. XD

okay. today also got back results. Not say very good, but okay lah. at least i can move the next level up with my 'royal family' who has forgotten their status, and lost the closeness from back then. anyways, at least i'm moving up with the people whom i've grown to know and care about, and wont have to go through that emotionally draining transition should i not be able to move up, not mentioning the potential result on the already superb low self-esteem. XP

photos on facebook!! 7thNov!! a date to remember! haha.
grateful for my group. appreciate my group. grown to know and love each individual. enjoyed the time of working together, 'squabbling' (friendly)/suan-ing each other, helping each other, encouraging each other, burning the midnight oil together... struggling through the datelines, complaining & lamenting together. hahaha... the late nights together, the early morning rehearsals...
the memories EYERS has given me is special, more than i admit. i do have my complains at times, unhappiness at times, dissatisfaction at times, but still... after all that we go through, i really grown to love them. haha.

great day today! a day i wont forget in a hurry... and people whom i've got to known and appreciate. haha. if it wasnt for PW, i may not have known this few individuals this well. first, i'll avoid eu. second, tao will just be soooo distant. third, sh well.. we probably will just be neutral and tat's it lor, esp since in the end, i'm also not going to osle. XP fourth, ed and i also may not have gotten tat close, like wat happened btw me n clar and dan. yup yup.

THANK YOU LORD! FOR LETTING ME MEET GREAT PEOPLE! AND OP IS OVER!!! AND THIS EVENING WAS FUN!!!

Avenue Q and today's adventure...

avenue q.. was GREAT!! very funny, and acted real well. good job pple!!

start of today's adventure:
went to my 9am cell; left early 10.07am to proceed to meet daniel and edna; reached PLMGSS at 1030am (super early); PLMC(youth) service at 11am; headed down to cityhall to suppossedly meet bliss and farz at 1.45pm; ended up met bliss at 1.15pm & dint meet farz; changed plan & headed down to suntec to meet sy & queen to eat lunch.

the slightly more interesting part of the adventure..
PIZZA HUT @ SUNTEC CITY...

WARNING!!! DONT GO THERE!!!
for a very very important reason to note.. their customer service is SUPERB LOUSY!!!
sorry. maybe i'm just superb hungry.. and time was limited for us too.. whatever the case, i dun like their service there.. it was extremely lousy and left me somewhat irritated and to a certain extent, angry. haha

1. no one attended to us as we waited for seats, when halve the tables had no customers, and they were cleared too (no remaining used plates..).

2. when we decided to go in ourselves and find a seat, THEN they noticed us, so they can stop us and ask us to wait

3. they said the pizza will arrive 15-20min.. it came 28MIN later!! i was already threatening of leaving should the food not arrive on time.

4. i was getting impatient and we're really tight of time.. i mean we ordered at 2pm, we had a show to catch at 3pm, and we wanted to get seated by 2.45pm... so i signalled a waitress, and asked her firmly but politely where's our pizza as we are rushing for time. she said she'll help me check. i observed her.. she dint even help us check, proceeding immediately to do other stuffs.

5. last but not least.. EVEN THE BILL ALSO GOT PROB!!! paid the bill.. had to wait at least 5MIN for the $1.50 change. got impatient as it was already 2.43pm. signalled the waiter, asked for our change, explaining tat we're rushing for time. he dint return with our change

6. so, i went to collect the change personally.. IT WAS ON THE COUNTER THE WHOLE TIME!!!! and the waitress who gave us our bill refuses to give us nor did the waiter whom we hurried but he dint do anything. boy was i mad!!!

yups. so tat's more or less why i dislike pizzehut @ suntec.

Interesting part of the journey:
as we were running late.. WE RAN ALL THE WAY FROM SUNTEC CITY TO ESPLANADE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! seriously.
and surprisingly.. dan ran faster and had better stamina than me, bliss, sy, queen. haha.

AVENUE Q!!!!!!!!! (okays.. i'm quite tired.. so i'll make this short.)
it was real good! 1st time i'm really watching a puppet show up front.
for those who heard it was crude, it's not too bad lah, dun really have a lot of vulgarities.
those who heard there was puppet sex, yes there was.

it was... ... ... ...
very funny
very well acted
songs are good
though i wont say whether i agree wif all or them or not
though a couple of words at times were hard to catch
very good coordination
very interesting plot
very creative
like the way they covered social issues; it was done in an interesting yet somewhat precise way
though i wasnt comfortable with the way they used the reference of jesus christ so casually.. not directly offensive, but still...

it was very good becoz the people who handles the individual puppets put in facial expression and body experessions very well. it's as if the characters were the person themselves, not the puppets they're holding. and well.. it as PLAIN GOOD!!! haha.. i dunno how to describe liao. just go watch, ONLY IF you can watch with a clear mind, and if you're considerably mentally mature enough to filter through the 'information' given. XD of which, i think i can, and i still think i did.

the most uncomfortable part of it is the making love scene where you see the two puppets making love. weird. at certain times they looked more like they were fighting as the puppets were like being tossed quite violently.. but since i know not much about making love itself, *shrugs*

the other uncomfortable part is the very casual usage of reference of jesus christ, and how 'the internet is for porn' stated and emphasised, which saddens my heart, as it is true for many pple nowadays, esp youths, showing a prob of society today.

i like the song about "everyone's a little bit racist". there's truth to it too. although there are some pple, like me, who dont think we're racist, becoz we accept people easily, regardless of race, language, or religion (xp), i'm sure at times, due to generalisation, in the public we may like shun pple, get suspicious of pple, etc. when we see someone from a particular race. haha.

well...
after Avenue Q:
dine wif 14 other 0836-ians at Thai Express, where i just ordered an Avocado milkshake as i was still quite full over the pizza for lunch; walked a little, contemplating where to hang out next; went to arcade; me n bliss contentedly ourselves with just watching them.. where the girls are always screaming in their games, and aloy enjoyed his safari game of catching animals.

8.15pm - i left the group to go home, as dad wants me back by 9pm.
rached home 9.15pm.. marking the END OF JOURNEY!!

While waiting for yd and aloy... the gals decided to try out some smoking

THAI EXPRESS!

ARCADE

how would you repond?

"If i say i like you... how would you respond?"

yes. you've seen tat on my previous post,which was my pm for 4 days.

nope. it's NOT directed to a particular person as many believed. haha. it was just a random fun question that i went around asking people, both gals and guys, receiving interesting answers.

collated answers...

GUYS:
"righto. Dunno."
"I would go like erm… okaeeee.. that’s cool. See ya later. Haha. I dunno lah. It’ll just be super awkward"
"I would be like woah. Hahahaha. Shocked dao."
"well you’ve got to wait then coz I’m gonna stay single till at least after jc/army. Studies first. "
"shocked I suppose, seeing as we hardly know each other"
"I would say thanks but no thanks. I think I can like you as a sister but nothing more."

GALS:
"Thanks, I like u too!"
"like real."
"of course. you're my dear what."
"I would tell you to get a sex operation change then come back and tell me"
"er… thanks? (: I like you too!"
"I like you too!"
"I’ll be like.. o…k…"
"sorry. I got spinach liao."
"as a sister in Christ and good friend, I’ll be flattered"
"I’ll be like.. o…k…"
"Happy, especially since we have not met up for a long time
"I love you too! :)"
"huh? -_-"
"I’d ask you if you were bisexual first. Or lesbian. Then I’d consider for about two minutes, respond with ‘okaaaaaaaaaaaay’ and then proceed to give you weird looks"
"if you like me as a friend, then I like you as a friend too!"

haha. so fun. think it was superb weird for all the guys.
the gals.. some was like.. *shudders* (are you alright?! are you les? you go after gals not guys??) - probably what they're thinking...
haha.

doing this 'survey', if you call it tat way, really see how youths of today sees things. many can only see this statement of 'i like you' as one definition... the i like you of a crush. many also felt tat when i put that pm. i was actually addressing to a guy i like. some said they wanted to reply spontaneously, but thought, better not.. thinking i was like seriously serious, and better not disturb kind. there were a few who were like.. "there's something more behind this pm.. TELL MEEE....." haha.

it just shows that youths today sees this statement 'i like you' only in one way. please.. there's other ways of looking at it too. like.. i like you as a friend? i like you as a brother/sister? i like you as a person becoz you have a great character? but surprisingly, or un-surprisingly, people tend to think in only one direction. *shrugs*

there are some though who dun think too deeply into the 'i like you', knowing tat if and when i said that to them, it means i like you as a friend. they're the ones who respond with 'i like you too!" (there's a handful of them, about 5?). they're also usually the ones who knows me for a longer time, who are closer to me, or also those happy easy-going friends of mine who wont think more into it.

haha. but i do know tat some of these responses, the gals, are joking joking ones.. playing along with me. haha.
another interesting observation. guys are more open and direct. they tell you if they dunno. they tell you if they're shocked/awkward. unlike the gals who respond very fast, and some think of creative answers too. haha. the difference btw the guys and the gals.

asked around 25 people. very fun!!! XD

for those who happen to read this and i dint asked you, and you feel like 'replying' too.. do leave a comment. a proper comment for the post.. NOT in the tagboard. haha.

Pleasant relaxing Sunday

glad clar. and dan (classmates) came on sunday, joining me for WWW (ignyte worship experience) - Worship Works Wonders. hope they received something from God, though we dint really share/talk about service after that.

was interesting, first time walk from TCC down to SingPost, and first time i sit bus so ganchiong. becoz sitting bus 135 with dan back home, then we both never sit this bus this direction before... from SingPost seemed to be heading correct direction, towards Serangoon, but it went into housing estates just before TCC, going a few small halve loops, turning different directions, scaring me a little.. like we take wrong bus.. haha. quite fun. oh well, clar cldnt even stay for lunch. so me and dan ate, and talked.. about.. school? classmates? after all, there's only 2 common topics we have.. and since the other is seldom heard from him, then this one lor. haha. XD

anyways, sunday was great and relaxed day, so much so that i DINT EVEN TOUCHED THE COMPUTER AT ALL!!!! hahaha. ate and chat over lunch wif dan till 2.45pm. after going round and round in circles, and changed buses twice, i finally reached home at 3.50pm; caught my family watching indiana jones (without me!!!), watched tat last halve; continue reading "The Negotiator" by Dee Henderson, went cycling to Lower Pierce Reservoir to watch sunset (of which my bro insisted i took photo of the sky every 1min as the sun set;went gran's house for dinner and watched tele there/chat with cousins joel,amos. left gran house at 9.45pm, cycled home, bathe. superb tired.. wanted to go online but changed mind.. ZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz...........................

haha.


P.S. liked what one of my church fren said. she asked how was the vietnam trip. i said it was very relaxing and enjoyable. then she answered, ya i can tell... your face looks so much more relaxed...
haha. dunno true or not. =D

----------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WWW
Worship Works Wonders
1. Who We Worship
2. We Worship Wholeheartedly

it's time to intercede!!

i'm pulled back to reality.. besides just knowing, which i've known and has been reminded, since that time i prayed at bishan with ed. Now, the conviction is stronger, to do more, to be serious, to be committed..

It's time to intercede.

There's a need to pray. There's a desperate need to intercede.

People out there are being attacked, be it physically, mentally, emotionally, spiritually; through relationships/friendships/family; people are feeling torned, desperate, broken, fear... the devil is at work...

IT'S TIME FOR WAR!!!!

to touch my loved ones, my family, my friends, my peers, even if it's friends i've just made this year..

Satan, you've pushed it.

I'm warring, on God's side, against you satan, for my friends, for my loved ones.

THIS IS WAR!!

Lord, grant me the strength, grant me the wisdom and let your Spirit guide me in praying for them, in interceding for them. i sense and see the hurt, the despair, the struggles behind those smiles. Lord, i may not be able to see and understand what they're going through... but you know. Pick them up and embrace them. Protect them. Grant them wisdom, peace. Lord, you know i love them, and they are people who are close to my heart. And Lord, i know that you love them, much much more than i do. Show them your love. Help them to be comforted in your presence. Grant me perseverance to keep interceding, to be committed and not let the prayers fade off with time. Grant me your strength to intercede even when i have to deal with unsettled matters between me and you, especially when there seems to be a high tendency of me going into numbing mode for fear of confrontation, that is so needed and necessary. I commit my friends whom i care so much for, and you care even much more for, into your hands. In Jesus name i pray, amen.

enjoyable night.. how much more will i ever have...

ytd, had quite an interesting time over at my classmate clar. house... though i dun really know why i go there for... XD

haha. majority pple go there to play mahjong.. for me, since i'm invited (finally) and well, kinda curious to know what class pple do when they go out together... so tagged along.

the show august rush was nice! very! haha.. enjoyed the music, and the magic of music.. but too bad it's just a show... and this kinda talent either dun exist or hardly found, and i am definitely not one of them. =(

haha.. anyways, pizza, karaoke, mahjong, movie going on... of which i dint really participate.. tat's why i wonder why i went. it's not really becoz i was accompanying the queen, though tat's one factor to push away the fear factor of going. i mean, i go there, also dun play mahjong, also not say very comfortable with the group, since i'm not say very close to all of them, and am fine with a few of them, but not in such a big group, but rather comfortable with some of them in very small group. *shrugs* i practically went there fearing i'll have nothing to do, nothing of which i can actually blend in with, where i'll just have to be a ghost... though i felt like one initially, esp at macs.

sigh. sometimes i wonder if my lifestyle, my upbringing by my parents and myself, have become like some sort of hindrance between me and pple from becoming closer friends. tis not something that only hit me then, but it's a thought that comes quite often, every now and then... and it hurts. but i will not give up anything to change the way and lifestyle i've been living through these ages. though i often sigh sadly within, when pple around me engage in conversations about movies, songs, books, games, of which those i enjoy and are exposed to falls little in their arena of what they have watched, listened, read, played.

*shrugs* and nope, it's not so much of parental censorship.. but rather, even self-censorship.. just not interested in many genres of which many of my peers enjoy and talk about. queen voiced i was quiet, looks bored.. well, i cant engage into the conversations... there's little i can do, except think about this again. i listen in to the conversation, but it still is a world of a difference when you're listening in to a conversation, and actually be in the conversation. well, i dun blame them... i mean, it's not their fault that my interest varies greatly from them... it's just the reality of life, that pple are so different from one another. just that i happened to be the extra one, very different from everyone else, such that sometimes there aint much connection.
it's at macs where i'm reminded of rina and kristen, who so often, once a week, will fill me up with their craze over manga and anime, of which in their hands is always a Japanese book, or a sketch book... they led me into their 'world', not leaving me out of it, though i may not have their craze over Japanese stuffs, despite my interest in it, grown by their passion influence. :) miss the times whe pple share with me when i dunno rather than keep me out. XP miss those kinda friends, of which we're no longer so close anymore. sigh.

anyways, i dun regret going in the end... =)
though my arm nearly got all chewed away by clar's golden retriever. Seriously, clar really gotta have it trained. haha. had a nice time enjoying the (to me) scenic, peaceful,comforting view from the balcony. so while they were inside, i 'entertained' myself by going out to the view... haha, and slowly, one by one came to join me. XD okay, admittedly, i prefer the peace and stillness the balcony seems to bring, when there's just me, or a few of us, like 2-3? and not the 'noisier' ones.. XP haha

talked a little, or maybe slightly more than a little to HY. haha. i've been reminded of my spiritual position, and the matter of dealing with it. it's true. it's not that i dun know what to do. it's just that i dun exactly know how to get it started, and i just dun seem/dare to take the first step.. becoz the first step is going to be a very big step, and a bitter one. once that first step is taken, everything should come in much easier. this matter must be dealt with. and soon, for the bondages to be broken. few may understand what i'm saying, becoz not all know about spiritual struggles. it's like how today i was walking and thought of this: "i have questions. i can answer my questions. but i dunno what to do with my answers"

well, so glad for the enjoying of the night at the balcony yesterday, the chats and the fellowship with my classmates.


i have been praying for you my dear friends, i am still praying for you, and i will still be praying for you, whether i'm in spore or not, whether it's you who is flying or not. keeping you in prayer.

Rain rain go away..

Wheee..... promos are over!!!! haha.. and today's Children's day!! poor primary school kids. they must have feel cheated of their holiday since children's day clashes with hari raya puasa. haha.. too bad for them. XD

well, wanna talk about the 2 songs i put on sunday. went for service on sunday. dint expect anything. just another service that'll pass. but I guess God's really working at my heart once again, esp since i then was going to have no more excuses left of procrastinating my confrontation with myself and God, which i promised to do after promos, and soul-searching. XP

it's been some time since i really gone down to the altars, to praise and worship God, with the joy that birthed from within. hmmm.. maybe for more than 1.5 yr?? But somehow, my spirit inside me that day couldnt help jumping and praising God. I feel just so reconnected back to God again. =)
even when we went to more intense worship, i could feel God working at my heart. the cold stone heart, of which has closed many doors, to God and to others..

those 2 songs i posted, 'To Know Your Name' and 'Come Holy Spirit' really just spoke to me. the words were jumping out at me, as i sang this two familiar songs, esp the words, of which i coloured them yellow in my posts. Indeed, this stubborn girl who has by her pride ran away from her Father, and let her pride and stubborness stopped her from returning to the Father's love and embrace.. but rather eat pig pods, is starting to remember her identity in her Father, that as she explores and search for her identity, she's slowly returning home, where she'll feel whole again.


well, had a good day on mon, whacking after my last paper, 2hrs. then 2 pals came over to my house.. had fun! Let me paint the pic.. hmm... one playing Nintendo DS on the host's bed, another playing neopets on the host's laptop, and the host.. lying on the floor, staring at the ceiling, in an air-conditioned room. haha.

play, play, eat, eat, nap... ZZZZZzzzz....



and played with meow frens below... even got to see a kitten suckling its mom.

well, spend the whole of ytd composing a melody for my 'bro's' song lyrics.. 'Keeps Raining Without You'. wasnt easy.. but well, i'm starting to really fall in love with tat song! XD

okay, if i got the courage, i'll put it here one day... one day... XP dun like my recorded voice.. very paiseh. haha. and when i wanted to re-record today, just as i was about to reach the last chorus.. SNAP!! went my guitar string. X( oh wells.

haha, spend most of today packing for friday's vietnam trip. sorry to pangseh my friends who are still taking exams.. but i need tat break away from spore instead of rotting away at home.. and hopefully, i'll be able to do more soul-searching there.. yups. praying and hoping that the rainy season will be over soon.. for it keeps raining without Him.

Keeps Raining Without You
Lyrics by Fabian

Sometimes I feel like I just wanna give up,
Throw in the towel, end it all,
In this big-big world, I feel just so small,
Can you help me just not to fall?

There's just this empty hole in my bleeding heart,
Yearning for you ever since we were apart.
Tried many times to deny it but I realised it's true,
It keeps raining without you.

I thought that you were too tough to bother,
You didn't even seem to care,
In this big-big world, you are everywhere,
But can you let me just know you are there?

Cause..

There's just this empty hole in my bleeding heart,
Yearning for you ever since we were apart.
Tried many times to deny it but I realised it's true,
It keeps raining without you.
[repeat]

Bridge: (God says...)
I was there, even though I wasn't there for you to see,
I was there, just wanted you to know I cared for thee,
Now I'll fill this hole in your bleeding heart,
From my presence you'll never depart,
I promise I will...
Only if you’ll let me...

There was this empty hole in my bleeding heart,
Yearning for you ever since we were apart.
Tried many times to deny it but I know now it's true,
It kept raining without you.

it's late to be blogging.. but i shall. =) to give myself some peace of mind.

Yesterday, was feeling really really really stressed! wait.. now that it's past midnight, so today is wed, so it should be monday.

Anyways, Monday was getting real stressed, frustrated, worried, demoralised, confused.. A very very bad day where everything just seems to go wrong.

Supposed to just save Written Report for PW in morning; realised that very impt section has disappeared for a month; rushed to include that section while cutting words to keep within the word limit which my members sacrificed their sleep on previous night. Caused my dad to be late for work, and charged $1 ERP tax becoz he sent me to school.
Greeted in the morning with "Do you know that we are supposed to print out our WR as well?" nearly went hysterical... (okay, that's a little overexaggeration.. maybe a lot, since i laughed rather than really go nuts.)
Realised that i totally forgot about having to complete chinese homework (and i'm the chinese rep + have 1.5hr lesson chinese in the afternoon).
woke up early to do some maths actually, but becoz of wr hiccup, dint do.

anyways, with all, was getting really really really stressed, frustrated, and seriously at the brink of tears. Went to a corner for 20min during my 1/2hr break, time by myself with God..

STRESS ~ wanna give up... wanna give in... i need strength and comfort, of which i have none.

As you can see, i was so stressed that i 'vandalised' my own hand. Actually, i wanted to put this up and not say that it's my hand.. but after reading the note, decided to share openly.

A sister of mine in school gave me a note, only to be read on the way home or at home.. It was really encouragaging and comforting.


Take heart dear friend,
for you have a flame that never dies
hang on loving sister,
you have a personality that never sighs.
you are blessed
with so much love,
He loves you so very much,
that Man above.

Don't feel stressed,
put all your burdens down
angels cry, to see the young frown
God loves you so very much,
I know you can't agree any more,
that's why He told us,
I won't let any of you fall.

Thanks sis. thank you so much. =)

Well, just couldnt study, so dint really stay school to study for once. Ended up whole afternoon relax, clearing/editing/viewing the photos i have in my handphone + songs. very very relax and restful, and singing/hearing songs of praise to God did bring my mood up. The photos too, very useful for destressing.

Here's the rest of the photos i took that day (monday).

2 sibling kits sleeping
Avery, da black cat
Avery's cutie face.. haha..


Well, since i'm putting up photos... mind as well put up some interesting i took today..
the sky at NY when i was walking back from dinner.
the dark VS light patches in the sky..

My night study partner drew this on the board when he was taking a break from his work.. guess the full names based on the initials written..

saw a quite big spiderweb reflected in the light as we were heading home.. try spotting it!! XD



Yups, before i go, one more photo, it's scary and quite funny. my sis took it.. and guess what... that face is mine! XP

Update of my life this week

This week, busy and interesting to say the least.

Sunday:
really thank God how things work out for the best. Indeed, i've really learnt and experience how "God's ways are greater than our ways". His plan was so perfect in reaching out to a long lost son of his, a brother of mine, and getting him immediately connected still amazes me.

Monday:
sianz. oh ya, got maths lecture test which i actually dint really prepare for it. and wasted 15mins on the very very 1st question, part (a) somemore, because somehow my mind keep telling me that 3 X 2 = 5!!! so whole of qn 1 skipped. thank God managed to discover my mistake the last 10min, and save me 6marks i think. And finally!!!! passed my maths test!!!!!!! =D thanks to God's grace and the whole of last week sep hols where all i did was maths, vectors, and more maths & vectors. XP

tuesday:
parent's wedding anniversary. mom got me to surprise my dad with family dinner at Pizza Hut, when i actually just supposed to have a one-to-one sharing over dinner session. haha. but the smart cop of my dad linked and figured all out as he fetched me fr school to dinner. Thank God for the great time of fellowship & great enjoyment of scrump-licious (scrumptious+delicious) dinner together as a family.



wednesday:
struggled with deciding whether to keep to my principle and way of learning - not to copy, but to learn; better facing up to the consequences of my action than to copy; to learn and understand if i'm to 'copy'/refer... VS ... copying blindly from teacher's outline to finish 10 essays (5 essay questions) and 5 case study questions, to get that stupid 5% free marks for Econs. i really struggled. and it's only after what a trusted adult friend of mine gave his opinion, that i decided to become a copy machine.

thursday:
afternoon lessons all canceled; lessons over at 12.30pm. last min plan: went down hougang to play 2hr badminton with bliss and nicholas (to make up for missing PE... XD ) and do econs over at bliss place. 3 copy machinese were birthed! poor right hand nearly died from playing a actually not-as-hectic 2hr badminton game with a heavy racket than i'm used to playing with + copying 5 case studies and 2 essays! haha. though had a great time of copying and fellowship at bliss place.

friday:
wrote something on my hand during 1st lecture (maths)... { 5hours sleep for 48 hours + 4 essays&5case studies in 24hours = NO LIFE! } *thanks to Econs...*
really thank God for the fellowship, sharing and praying + yummy dinner at Ajisen with a dear sister of mine. Thank You Lord! And sis, really appreciate taking the initiative to ask me to pray with you every friday. it feels great to share, as well as to pray with someone for people i loved so dearly, as well as to be encouraged by someone who's praying for ya.

saturday:
like i told zen about today... "today is very ahem.. academically-unproductive". haha. slept in till slightly past 12am, ate lunched and talked about vietnam trip with dad, did 1hr tuition hw, then took a *ahem* 5min nap (that became 1.5hrs long) and woke for dinner, then slack in front of tv, then lappie. yups. today, the very academically-unproductive day. BUT, it was very rest-productive, catching-up-with-pple-productive, and relax-productive!! XD
So, like what zen said, overall day not wasted (in every intangible thing, yes).
oh. and today is blogging-productive too.