xin tia (hokkien)

it means heart pain.
sigh.
3reasons.
my gift/my handicraft/all 144 of them... are ruin! very very heart pain (xin tia)
nostalgic memories brings back lots of regrets
it's nice to be wrapped in arms of love

haha. too much korean dramas for me i guess. xp maybe dee henderson too. it's so hard to feel out of love, and even more so when one darent accept love either. not tat i'm not loved. my family is cool. i have closed friends of whom i had a good laugh/teasing time with some just ytd. but i dun understand. it's something else that is desired. why?

am i dissatisfied? why? why is there a need to be dissatisfied? why do i not take the love that is reaching out for me? or maybe i really do feel incompetent underneath? maybe i do feel unworthy? i dunno. why i dunno? becoz i'm scared of the answer, so i dun wanna think about it?

shoot. where is this thing going now.. this isnt wat i plan to write. happens so often now. i live my life, day after day, thought of something, wanna blog, and BAM! when i sit on the chair in front of the screen.. i'm blank. and i re-store back everything. i hope my friend al. (a fren of my close fren) understands now what i mean by it's hard to write.

so, what the chicken wing (a favourite phrase/substitute of mine) am i doing now? *shrugs* i shall let the fingers continue typing and click publish when it's done. haha.

i'm not emo now. just thinking. and a little heart pain.

and let me confirm again, to my dear gal frens of whom we were just teasing each other ytd, that though i said i will NOT consider having a boyfriend before 18, DOESNT mean i will consider having one at 18. becoz i WONT, and i probably wont even after 18. so dun bother looking out for guys for me. 'prince charming' will never come. becoz, i'm no princess.

shoot. okay, change subj. i'm not exactly writing my thots i was just thinking out well.

okay. dee henderson.
i love her books, though it makes me xin tia also. i mean the guy and the gal always get together despite whatever obstacles that were in their way. seldom happen in reality. tat's why i say she's good. she thinks of the possibilities of what on earth can happen, even if it's a one in a million chance of it been happening, and she puts all the one in a million chance, but possible, of happening ideas inside. BINGO!
anyways, i feel like i'm Lisa - loves/relates to animals (easier to relate than wif humans sometimes), independent, enjoys solitude, find it hard to belong/fit in...
and spiritual life like Stephen's.
also a teeny weeny bit like Kate, the aspect where she's always concern/on the look out for those she love, wanting to go after her bro Stephen and pull him back from his running away, wanting to help with her loved ones' problem. prob is she dare to show it out front, and go all out. but me, i darent sometimes, esp to friends, fearing their reaction.
like Stephen, i find a need to be there for people i care about. It's not that i dont trust them. It's not that i dont think they cant handle their problems, but like Stephen, it's just a need to be there, to be able to help as much as i can, so i wont regret. Stephen's was caused by an accident/trauma when he was young, i dunno where i got mine from. but the reaction i've been getting for pple, makes it hide it and dun show it though it's still so strong in me and i'm feeling it.

the sisterhood of the travelling pants.
i find i'm kinda like Leena. like how the guy she met at Greece described her. but the difference between me and Lena is she has what i dont. Though quiet and shy, she's very pretty and attractive, and she met a guy that could bring out the inner her hidden inside. i'm different. i dont have her beauty, neither have i her beau that can bring out the inner me trapped inside.
i wish i can be like Carmen, throwing tantrum, letting my frustrations out when i have them. Beats keeping them in i think. I wish i can say out how i feel towards some people, like how she just told her dad how she felt about him over the phone. but i have no guts.
a little like tibby. i find myself a loser.

but bailey said something that makes sense, but gal, that's just so so hard.
"maybe the truth is there is a little bit of a loser in all of us. Being happy isnt having everything in your life being perfect. Maybe is about stringing together all the little things, making those count more than the bad stuffs. Maybe we just get through it, that's all we can ask for."
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_6XgcYi7aqc&feature=related