Opened my heart today during service. I refused to listen to the lies of the devil. I refused to evaluate my actions and my heart, whether this is just gonna be a one-time feeling, 'commitment'; whether it's just lip-service, blah blah. I just sang. I just worshipped, open my heart and just be frank to God.
Indeed, in God, there is freedom. Freedom from bondages, freedom from guilt, freedom from shame, freedom from sin, freedom from life's burdens... true freedom that no one else can ever offer, as no one else has it. I'm gonna start searching and pursuing this freedom. I shall not wait and wait in the chains that I have. I shall seek the key to my freedom - Jesus!
I'm gonna start searching the Lord, and I'm gonna find Him. becoz i know He's there waiting for me just to return home, to return to his side. I cant do this alone. I will need God's help, and i'm gonna start learning how to surrender to him instead of rather trusting myself and try to handle situations by myself, which leads me to the valley which i'm in right now. i shall stop struggling in the quicksand, and let my Lord pull me out.
That is more or less what spoke to me during praise and worship.
And by God's beautiful timing, today's message was about CONNECTED aka the Family of God. I feel (i think) God reminding me that I have been trying to be quite a solo christian, not on the surface, but deep down, refusing to share with people, refusing to really open up, even when i'm in desperate need of help; even when i wanted to, i held back.
Moreover, the family of God IS IMPORTANT!! and i know that personally myself, experiencing such a strong reminder just these 3-4 days. A bro and a sis especially have been helping me so much. I'm real thankful for that. i was allowing myself to drift way off, giving in to the fears, doubts, the enemy's lies... but God used them to give me reminders, to give me small wake up calls, to encourage me, to hang on to me so that i will not keep drifting. They held on. They prayed. I know there are other people, like my mom, praying for me too. They helped. They held. Becoz whatever is going on in the spiritual world, also happens down here.
Also, i'm feeling a slight tugging, actually it's more like a thought (which i'm thinking maybe it's God's gentle calling), to go back to the ministry, to go back and serve. No, not the SP status calling, but into the ministry, back to SOF, where although i have physically left since june/july, my heart has never left there, and i've always been looking out for my SOF pple, and often feeling proud of them. Maybe, it's time to go back. But i shall not rush this... my life's not back in place yet, and not even halfway there. there's still issues to settle, issues of which i have not yet meditate and dig it out, issues which i have not yet taken time to do uncover, due to fear. xp
but probably by next year... bros and sis reading this, keep praying for me. it WILL NOT be an easy road.
Every time i edging slowly back, a few days later, the enemy manage to get me to fall even lower than before, causing me to be disheartened, and i pray this will not end up such a case again. This is spiritual warfare, and if ever i need the help of my fellow comrades, it is now! It is this season of time.
happened to randomly come across this song, and was listening to it while i'm typing this post. and it SO HAPPENED to fit this season i'm currently in. http://www.verticalmusic.com/audio/05%20Living%20Rain.mp3
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Keeps Raining Without You
Without Him, it keeps raining... everything is so dark, gloomy, cold. But it was me who pushed Him away. I'll be writing here till i've returned to His side once again. I'm 'dead'... and this blog is for my conscious ghost...
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Nickname: King
Who? A gal who is searching for her identity; who is on the road of discovering herself and picking herself up; who wishes to be in the arms of the one whom she is pushing away Who? A gal who has lost herself when she pushed her beloved far from her. Although she needs Him and wants Him, yet she pushes Him away, ignoring Him, and thus she is left... broken and spilled out. She tries to find substitutes, but she cant and she never will, because He is too special to be replaced.
Who? A gal who although is physically conscious and is physically alive, yet is spiritually, emotionally, and in all other aspects, unconscious. She is unable to awake her consciousness, and feels like the living dead.
Who? A gal who knows that one day her consciousness will wake up, and her true self will revive, but is unsure how long it will take. It may be in a few months, or a few years, or 10years down the road (she hopes not)...Who? A gal who still has some of her true self in this 'ghost' of hers whom everyone sees, but is very different from her true self, because this is only a shell without the true inner her. That is why she has changed a lot.
Who? A gal who no one will be able to fully understand because they are unable to truly see exactly what is going on and comprehend it, and because she herself can't really understand her situation either. Her mind seems to be too complicated for anyone, including herself to 100% grasp it.
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