have i lost another mature fren?

i emailed her, but she dint reply. not a single respond. not a yes, or a no, or a "i have to check first". cold water thrown upon the heart numbs it, and closes yet another door of my heart. i understand if you say you are busy, but i cant understand when you ignore me. but i wont ask why. but the trust i have in you, dun be surprise if i start to close my heart out to you.

i thot i found an adult, a mature fren who is really interested in my life, and wishes to help me; who will be able to give me godly guidance and advice; who will remind me of who i am in Christ and what i can do through Him. Indeed that session we met, she really listened attentively to me, and we talked. i really appreciate that session, just that i dunno how to put in words my appreciation and gratitude. i thot i could go to her for advice, for help as i go through this phrase of life, especially since, being an adult, she has gone through similiar phrases, that people says comes with growing up. i just need to talk certain sensitive issues out, and hear a godly opinion about it.

losing a fren is very sad and heartbreaking for me already, yet alone losing an adult fren, who carries a different friendship, compared to the friendships of my peers.

Already, ever since i left PHS, esp since the final intake of JC students, i'm starting to lose touch with an adult fren who knows me very well, who have guided me and gave me advices, waking me up from my naive ways and thoughts at certain times, lighten up my mood, teaches me, groom me, and is an adult who really treat me as a friend, not as a kid, not just as a student. really miss him a lot. but i guess he has his own life. I used to suspect that adults and youths cant really be friends, becoz they live a different set of lives, and they are often lost in their own 'world' with the different probs they face. He has his own work, life, family, friends... how much can i expect from him?

guess i just cant stand losing friends, having detoriating friendships (which are all part and parcel of life, and it's just reality? an unchangeable tradition?) as well as people ignoring me. you dun like me, you're not interested, you're angry with me, just tell me straight. dun ignore me. it sends all kinds of wrong signals, and it hardens/numbs the heart.


this reminds me of what Fern wrote about a particular friend of hers some time back:
Is this a sign?
1 month, 2 times
3 conflicting emotion -
Eagerness, anticipation, disappointment
Is this a sign for me to give you up?

You said we could meet up
But i ended up waiting more than an hour in vain
Yet you dint even contacted me
Leaving me alone and abandoned
Have I a right to get angry?

You said to contact whenever i need you
I did, and awaited your reply
Every 10min i pester my sister till she's going mad
But, nope. There was no reply from you
You scarred me, a second time.

Twice you made me wait
You were the one who offered;
Twice you stood me up,
Making me feel broken and small
Is this a sign from heaven?

Yes, you did apologise
Only after a few weeks past
Yet you can smile as if it did not matter,
Crushing my heart
Beneath the smile you see.

I've tried extremely hard,
But I cant seem to forget that closeness;
I seemed to still pine for you
Always scanning the ground
For a glimpse of your familiar figure.

When you said yes,
My heart leapt
I look forward so,
To hear your voice, to see your face
Eagerness brewing strongly within me.

Yet you poured icy cold water down my back
I suddenly grew smaller, insignificant;
Sadness gnawed my heart
Disappointment was the anchor;
My heart drowned in sorrow.

Maybe they're really signs telling me to give you up.
I can always lie... lying is not that hard. All I need is to act, and act well.
When it's spicy, I say it's not spicy.
When I have feelings for you, I say I dont.
When I'm in love with you, I say I'm not.

--Fern--
23:52 1stMar08