Everything seems to fail

Everything just seemed to fail. This weekend has been terribly unsuccessful. All my plans have failed. Everything i did seems to go wrong. I thot that everything will go on fine, yet it did not.

Yesterday, i DINT finished all my tuition homework, AGAIN. Yesterday, i spent TOO LONG on the computer, and DINT start studying till quite late, overceeded my plan. Yesterday, i DINT finish my maths tutorials, which i planned to. Today, i DINT go for cell so that i can finish up my maths, but i DINT manage to complete the tutorials. Today, enjoyed the service, but DINT seem to carry anything out with me. Today, i DINT manage to bring joy to my two grans. Today, i DINT manage to have a happy meal with my family. Today, i DINT really celebrated mothers' day. Today, i here now online, typing this post, becoz i cant study feeling so down, so i'm 'wasting' time here letting my feelings out a little.sigh.

Today, is mothers' day. many people thinking/planning how to celebrate mothers' day - getting gifts/making something special/doing something special/going out for meals, etc. Me? well, mom and dad overseas, so we'll give it a miss. Then yesterday, i came up with a FABULOUS idea, or so i thought. Our mothers' day present can be to celebrate mothers' day with our parents' mothers, spending time with them. Lunch at maternal gran, and dinner downstairs with paternal gran. Make the two old ones i love a little more happy. But i guess, it proved not the case. Day turned out bad in the end.

brought 4 packs of food to gran (dint tell her we buying food. she thot we eat then come, becoz i dint want her to cook for us. she stays alone.). realised uncle and family came her house for lunch, and had leftover food. so i guess i overbought. me, sis, bro, well, we eat 2 packs of our food, and helped gran 'cleared' the leftovers. i felt stupid! i shouldnt have overbought. i dint expect her house to have so much food. then she was commenting how we shouldnt have bought any food. the food at her house was enough to feed all 3 of us + her. i felt stupid. i dint want to trouble her to cook for us what. so dint tell her we'll be tabao-ing lunch to her house to eat. also becoz by the time we reach her house it's 3pm. i also dun wanna her wait for us to eat lunch. so things dint really go on well that side...

on the way back, we sort of argued which is the better way to go home. my bro wanted to go by route A, i chose route B. becoz he dint really insisted and lead the way, i just walked my way, and naturally the 2 of them will follow me, me being the oldest. seriously, if bro insisted to go route A, i'll just follow de. then the bus stop at route B which we headed to have KFC. my sis wanna buy milo. both were looking at me for decision. i dint want to make one. it dint really matter to me anyway. so i said they decide, i follow them. sis took 1 step, turned to me, as if still like seeing what's my decision. in the end, we dint go. seriously, if she just dun see my reaction and walk in, i would have followed her. so anyway, as we waited sort of in silence for the bus, no one was feeling good. my sis was a little angry, and definitely irritated. my bro also, somewhere along that line. i felt as if the world was falling apart.

since we brought back the leftover 2 packs of lunch home, and gran made us bring back leftover rice, it seemed weird to go downstairs for dinner. when told charm that, she seemed quite angry, becoz she was waiting for us, and like i should had told her earlier, so she can bathe paternal gran first... i guess she maybe not feeling well or something, she seemed extremely angry/unhappy/easily irritated today. made me feel worse. wanted a happy familly dinner TOGETHER, the 3kids+charm+gran. made gran happier, bring her down change of environment or something. plan failed. charm unhappy, i'm at a loss of what to do. i volunteered to go down buy bread and fruits for her. dint get a good response from her either. after all, these things she was supposed to buy was in the end for us. sigh.

coz the 3 of us were seriously quite full, i only bought extra 1 more pack of food for dinner. so dinner = 2packs lunch + 1pack dinner + gran's rice/egg for 5 pple.
seems like real little, but i was seriously very very full, and so were the other two. charm probably saw dinner quite pathetic. she dint eat alot. i think she worried we not enough to eat. in the end, she finished early, left and said she go down to buy something. i forced myself to eat more than i wanted to, becoz she said dun keep the rice.

charm just got home, bring back roasted chicken. seems like she really was hungry but dared not eat. and though in the end, all 5 of us ate dinner together, but the atmosphere wasnt there.sigh. i feel bad and stupid and guilty. seems like when she said dun keep the rice, she meant dun keep rice IN the fridge. she dint expect me and bro to like force ourselves to finish the rice. i think she brought back the chicken, she was thinking of eating with the rice. CHEESE!! i feel so stupid and dumb again.

end of day: maternal gran not happy becoz of 'waste' of food; bro and sis also not very happy; dint have 'happy meal time' together for both lunch and dinner, which was supposed to be like mothers' day celebration where i hoped to bring joy to the hearts of the two old ones; charm not happy; charm not enough food, probably used her own money to buy the roasted chicken;not much change for paternal gran. i also not happy, feeling all down, stupid, dumb, useless idiot!

sigh. how can i 'present' this so-called mothers' day present to mom and dad when they come back tmr??

now, jared at computer game, so he no longer down, duh! ris seemed okay too, talking happily. charm also now talking quite okay/happy, eating her scrumplicious roasted chicken... but me? i'm too down now. and typing all these helps, a little, but i'm still down. sigh.

pple who read this will probably say: no wonder she cant/dont finish her homework! she dun prioritise. so much work for her to complete, yet she still wasting time here to blog.

what can i say? what can i do? i'm tired out, yet i can really confide totally to anyone. to my closer frens who happen to read this post, dun feel too sad. i'm probably confiding some of my probs to you, but it's still me. i cant TOTALLY confide all my probs to anyone. so you'll probably see a portion of it.

i'm tired out. my source of strength and help i'm rejecting, pushing Him down my priority list. i need help, but there aint anyone to help me. im so troubled, yet my heart dun just leave me alone, but becoz i truly care for pple around me, i'm still trying to help others. yet all my troubles really really make me want to lock up my heart, and seriously isolate myself from everyone, more than what a particular person in my class seemed to be doing lately. not just isolate from pple in JC, but isolate from pple in church too. this is the time i so missed PHS. becoz there will always be pple there whom i can talk to, or just spend time with to chase off these sinking feelings. somehow i know i haven really opened up to pple in JC, besides the close ones who have gone with me from PHS to JC. it's not that i dun want. but it's so difficult, especially when there's no one encouraging me to. funnily enough, seriously, this year i've become more 'opened' than the past few years. if you ask me to share, i will share more than i have done in years. i may not really be opened still yet with my actions (rather i think my actions have been sort of less open, if you get what i mean). but if you really wanna know more about me, want me to share more, just sit me down and talk, you realise i can really share. but you gotta give me the opportunities to share. i still cant initiate sharing. to be where i am now wasnt easy being a person who shut everything up inside. i dunno if those who are quite close to me can sense this change in me this year. but whatever it is, here i am. or at least here's where i think i am.though sometimes it's still hard for me to share certain areas of my life, like whatever i'm writing in this post, becoz it's when you're feeling it then you can share and blurt it out. sometimes, it's not that i dun want to share certain areas of my life, but i cant put my feelings and the thoughts of my heart in words or my mouth.

geez. i'm sprouting nonsense. another bad thing for me again. i've overshot my time for blogging, writing out of my initial focus for this post, letting my hands flow with my emotions and feelings.


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i miss dumb dumb (aka Lucky boy)... *sniff* sigh...
ended post at 20:21