Alone in the Rain

YEAH!!!! So glad Ange. talked to me today!!! seems like either she no longer angry/upset with me over sat, or tat in the first place i was being overly sensitive. XD

shall make this short, becoz i'm really very very tired, and actually, i havent done my sea hist tutorial nor maths tutorial. ZZZZZZZZzzzzzzzzzzzzzz....

ok, scratch what i said Sunday. ok, maybe not all. but anyway, this blog may just still be continuing. but what i said there i really mean it, though the tone may not be very pleasant as you can probably guess, i wasnt in the best of mood.

this blog shall be writing for the purpose of letting myself go and giving myself the freedom to express myself and my thoughts, often of which is hidden inside.

Anyway, just to clear up some matters (with myself? tat's weird). sat, yes i was really irritated, impatient and angry with E. after the phone incident, as we were walking to Punggol Park. but i put that aside once we reached there though, coz i know tat her character is like tat, though i wont say tat i like it. anyway, i was just down and upset, becoz i felt as if it was my fault in letting the misunderstanding and miscommunications over the phone over at our side (bliss house), and those who were there punctually/early at the park. especially when i found out that the quarrel over the phone caused a gentle nice classmate to be very hurt, and ---. so the whole day there, after we reached the park, i was just feeling extremely guilty and bad inside, plus lots of other negative feelings. i felt like doing straight home, but stayed on, becoz it's clem's farewell. i dint want to ruin it for him, i dint wanted to just go off like tat becoz of the reasons that i had, which i actually came down for him. *pang of sadness and a sigh escape from me, thinking of another friendship going, going... gone*

yupz. so i went all the way there, to spend quite some time by myself staring at the scenery (which was very beautiful and peaceful by the way; can stare for hours, especially if you have someone special, a friend, to chat and share with), thinking how i dun belonged in the class, and how it was my fault for allowing things to carried off too far that the whole atmosphere was killed, and we enjoyed ourselves less than we would have had.
i felt so moody tat i totally lost it.
i had zero appetite, and i paid $10, to contribute in this party, of which i ate none of what they bought, and drank none of what they bought, and played none of the games with them, and dint helped in the barbequing, seemingly to be living in my own world there, running far away from the crowd. Just take it as i paid for a particular someone who came but dint pay also can.

well, at least my guilt for not being able to help, whether it is to cook, entertain, carry stuffs, pack up, buy stuffs was lost with not eating and drinking anything. seriously, there wont be any difference at all if i dint come. (people wont even have noticed... dun bluff)

anyway, so emotional tat day, i couldnt take it any longer, i waited till 8pm, then took my leave. and i thought earlier that dragging myself away at 9pm was going to be difficult. but the truth is, before 6.30pm, i wanted to head home already. and first time in my life tears rolled down in a public place, in the bus 74 on my way home. i couldnt hold it back liao. the worse, is that i went home to end up bingeing. my sis, charm, and mom were so schocked! dint you go for a barbeque, how cum you come back hunting for food and eating so much.

then anyway, tried communicating with An. who --- but she dint really respond, and like angry with me. so we dint talk/communication since tat day until today! Boy, was i superb uncomfortable and awkward to keep 看人家的脸色

ok. shd stop here. i dozing off liao.