Alone in the Rain

"Geez. Sigh. What's happening to me? I wasnt like this before. I used to be alert n attentive, but now i'm so lost, as if my head is always in a cloud n thus i'm blinded from reality. I keep missing out on what the teachers r saying although i try desperately at times to listen. I miss my hardworking self, the workaholic me; the me who always give full attention to whoever that is speaking. Seems like i'm creating bad impressions in pple around me in JC - peers, teachers, n i hate that, Becoz i'm not used to it.
When i stepped into secondary school, becoz of who i was back then - innocent, naive, pleasant, good-natured, n what some pple label as 'holy' becoz they just couldnt accept the fact that at such an age i'm still so law-abiding, becoz i'm too lazy to break any rules, n dun see the point either. My skirt was 'long' becoz i dun see the need to alter, my socks were 'high' becoz well if u wear socks without thinking of the 'in image' you will just pull up your socks what, not fold it or whatever. So what's wrong with me back then? Or should i say what was wrong with everyone else? Why are they diong things against the law of nature. Isnt it easier to just pull your socks to an acceptable length than pulling up when the teacher comes n pull down again when the teacher goies? Aint that troublesome?
Geez. i lost myself. Well, back to my main trail of thoughts. Sigh.
Becoz of who I was back then, i sort of painted beautiful, great images/impressions of myself, not deliberately of course. But slowly, being exposed to a new environment of more worldliness, my mind was slowly awakening out of its protective zone all these whiles. With the way pple treated me, teachers 'respecting' me n holding me with regard, peers making a huge fuss when i make a small mistake Becoz they dint expect this 'angel' to fall at all (PLEASE! I'm merely a human, who will make mistakes. I'm NOT a saint!); with the high expectations pple have on me due to the image they had of me, i become like 'pressurissed' to 'live up to my good name', in otherwise keep my good image n leave good impressions.
So in upper sec i become slightly more conscious in not doing anything that will tear my reputation. Now though, whatever i do seems wrong, n the feeling i get is leaving errible images of myself on those who just know me this year. Especially when i had a good reputation with teachers, having the pleasure to work with some of them, n being able to talk to some of them as frens. The close friendships i dearly miss. If only i can re-turn time to the period where i was just being me, without caring what pple think of me, being the real true me and thus being more likeable and accepted.
Now though, in JC, i think i painted poor images of myself in them teachers here - not committed, irresponsible, lazy, unattentive, dun take things seriously, etc. I'm so not used to it. The more i try to stick, blend in, attach myself to the class, the further i seem to drift away from them.
I feel guilty for not preparing for history tutorial today. Not that i dint want to do or lazy to do. But somehow i dint hear tat today's tutorial change to SEA, so like duh dint come prepared. I'm like a sore thumb sticking out, the only extra one who dint know, who dint do. N it felt so awkward being there, feeling guilty of not doing the work i'm supposed to, not letting myself use the dunno change of tutorial as an excuse. I half wished the teacher had chased me out of class, though staying in there, i learnt more of course. But to think that everyone did their work but me, well it was very very uncomfortable. sigh."

Written during first break ~ 20th May08 ~ 9.55am

wow. dint realised how much i typed into my hp till i retyped it here in my blog. it's like... WOW!!!